Rebekah and I just celebrated two years of marriage. To be honest, it can be difficult to keep a culture of openness in the home. For the sake of staying encouraging or trying not to complain, sometimes we don’t ask for what we need. It is easy to stop telling each what we want and how we feel.
I have taken a few opportunities to sit down and ask her a particular set of questions recommended by my pastor—let me tell you, it was amazing. If you desire to understand and adore your wife, you need pour her a glass of wine and talk these questions. It could have a massive effect on the quality and longevity of your marriage.
1. How can I love you better?
This question is intentionally generic in nature and just helps get the conversation started. She may go right into exactly how she feels, or it may take a while to answer. You can always move on—the next question may prove to be a better conversation starter.
2. What is God teaching you about your heart?
The “heart” can be a hard concept for some to grasp, as I know it was for us. When speaking about a spiritual heart, it often means the very center of your being—the part of you that feels emotion, understands concepts, and cares about others. A good answer for this question can be, “He is teaching me that my heart is bitter, and that I don’t need to be bitter because He’s forgiven me.” Feel free to encourage and pray for your spouse at any time.
3. As a husband do you feel that I am nurturing you well spiritually?
I don’t want you to be surprised—the answer to this one is almost always “no.” It’s good to ask follow-up questions like, “How can I be encouraging to you every day? What can I pray for? What kind of Bible topics would you like to study, and when can we start? She’ll let you know.
4. Do you feel safe? If not, why? How can I make you feel safe?
The general safety and well-being of my wife and children is really important to me. So much that every time we move, I dig up FBI files and scope out crime within 5 square miles of the area. Find out what makes them feel safe, whether that be a well-lit porch or a stick of pepper spray for their backpacks. Whatever it is—make it happen. On a side note, safety isn’t just limited to physical well-being, but is emotional as well. I’d recommend asking if she feels safe sharing herself with you. If not, that is good for you to know. Openly asking for her input is a great starting point to begin building that trust.
5. What do you need? What can I get you?
This is my favorite question because it gives you the chance to bless your wife with something that will make her life better. She may say anything from new books, a couch, a car, to even a dishwasher. She may ask you to initiate walks in the evening or bike rides on the weekend. Or she might desire increased intimacy and sex. These are all good things that as a man, you may simply be overlooking. You know what they say—don’t get too busy making a living that you forget to make a life.
From my experience, every time I have looked in Rebekah’s pretty eyes and asked her these questions, it has had two effects. First, she cries. This happens because she is reminded that I love her deeply enough to think about the little things. Second, she has the power and opportunity to tell me what she really needs and feels. Asking your wife these questions will give you the opportunity to love and serve her better.
Don’t wait—pursue her today.
Do you know any young married couples? Send this to them and let them know you care.