Control vs. Collaboration: What I’m Learning About Leading with Others
I’ve always seen myself as a visionary. A leader. Someone who takes the pressure, makes the plan, and carries it—alone if I have to. That’s how I’ve built businesses. That’s how I’ve navigated fatherhood. And for the most part, it’s worked.
Until it didn’t.
This past week, it hit me like a wall:
I know how to lead.
I know how to fix.
But I don’t really know how to connect.
Not in the middle of the mess. Not when the plan breaks.
The Breaking Point
We made a plan as a family. It was solid—clear, structured, well-intentioned. But when things didn’t go as expected (as they never do), everything spun out. Ranger was overwhelmed. Rebekah was frustrated. I was carrying the emotional weight of six people and trying to keep everything calm and connected… while tasks and emotions started piling on me with no space to process or prioritize.
I broke.
The truth? When the plan breaks, I break too.
Not because I’m fragile—but because I was never taught how to stay in the mess with others. I was taught to go it alone. Handle it. Fix it. Lead from above.
But Rebekah called out the truth:
“You don’t lead with people. You lead above them.”
And she was right.
My Origin Story
It’s wild how much of this is rooted in childhood.
I remember show-and-tell in kindergarten. I brought my adopted brother Isaac to class, but when it started, I sat at my desk instead of joining the class on the rug. I watched, didn’t participate.
Same in basketball. Great at drills, camps, isolated performance. But get me into a team environment? I struggled. I didn’t know how to flow in the game. To play my part inside the system.
I don’t think it’s because I didn’t want to.
I think it’s because I didn’t know how. And no one showed me.
The Big Realization
This is who I’ve been:
- Quick-start innovator
- Problem-solver
- Independent operator
But if I’m honest?
That’s not the next level.
The next level isn’t more independence.
It’s collaborative problem-solving.
It’s not “crush the plan from the top.”
It’s co-create the path with others.
It’s not “run the system.”
It’s expand inside it.
What I’m Learning Now
- Containment > Control. I’m not here to command others’ emotions. I’m here to create space where they’re safe to exist—and move forward together.
- Presence > Performance. My leadership doesn’t have to come from pressure. It can come from proximity.
- Expansion happens inside the system. I don’t shrink by stepping in—I grow. We grow.
I’m learning to lead with Rebekah, not above her.
To co-regulate with Ranger, not fix him.
To show up on the rug, not just watch from the desk.
And it’s hard. But it’s holy.
I’m not just building a company. I’m rebuilding my default settings.
And I’m not doing it alone.